Clothing Peeves

My first two posts were both about disability and politics, so I figure it's time for something substantially lighter. My top five pet peeves about clothing follow.



5. Fake back pockets. Fake pockets in general. Pockets that are not real. I am wearing pants right now that I THOUGHT had handy back pockets, into which I could insert a cell phone, a small notebook, or some change. After purchasing said pants and attempting to insert hands into said pockets so as to appear casual or contemplative, I discovered that they were, in fact, no more than a sewn-on button and flap, sans attached pockets. This displeases me. If the designer is going to put the effort in to design some nice, buttoned flaps for pockets, why not use the extra four square inches of fabric, and add a pocket where there appears to be a pocket?



4. The rule of inversely proportionate fabric cost per square inch. Items made of so little material that I could scrounge in the scraps basket by my sewing machine and come up with more fabric in a single handful, invariably cost more than blouses or other garments made with a half-yard or more of fabric. This applies to bikinis, brassieres, and especially to lacy underthings. Is buttfloss really so difficult to make? Are labor costs higher for panties than blouses? Are the designers more talented and higher-paid than those who designed my trousers? Or do they just know that some women will pay whatever they charge for a teeny tiny satin thong, as long as the advertising assures said women that this undergarment will singlehandedly remove their wrinkles, lift anything that sags, and make a tall, dark, and handsome stranger appear from nowhere to ask how their day was.



3. Butt Deficiency Sizing. A girl with a figure can't find pants to fit without trying on every pair in the store or buying the $400 designer jeans anymore. They either stick out behind the waist like an open invitation to insert a flagpole or just won't fit over the hips without Herculean squeezing and yanking efforts. Apparently, modern designers are convinced that one or more of the following are true:

a. Modern women spend their lives trying to approximate the shape of walking stick insects.

b. Curves died with Marilyn Monroe.

c. Any woman with an ample rear possesses a substantially ampler tummy.



2. Dry Clean Only. This phrase is the bane of any clothes shopping experience which I dare to undertake, despite my marked distaste for the trying on and purchasing of garments. I do not wish to own any clothes which I must pay to have seared clean with chemicals that damage the environment and force me to make a second trip to pick them up. Please stop making them the only clothes that I like and which fit properly. You are killing my soul.



1. Buckles, belts, sewn-on cloth flowers, excessive sequins, and other tacky embellishments. Invariably, as soon as, after spending an hour grumbling about how impossible it is to just find a simple, business casual blouse, I see a promising item sticking out of a rack. I pull it out, everything looks great, but wait- there is a HUGE SATIN FLOWER sewn on the front like a parasitic corsage! Gah!